I finished my 13 week tour of psychotherapy earlier this week and I can say without a doubt that I feel much better. I have a greater control over emotions and I'm able to manage my future more easily. My therapist helped me identify the main things that were bothering me and now I have the tools to live a happier life.
It's not that easy, obviously, but the future doesn't freak me out as much anymore and for the first time in many months (years?) I feel confident about myself. Everything in life takes a lot of hard work, but I think I'm ready to meet a lot of my big challenges in life this year. 2010 should be a special year.
Here are some things I've already tackled:
* One of the main reasons I entered therapy was because I had a driving phobia. I would only drive when necessary, like going to school, and well that's about it. I'm still not totally comfortable driving, but I'd say I'm 80-90% normal now. I can drive on the freeway and pick people up and do whatever the hell I want. I've gone as far as San Jose and I feel like I can go even farther soon. This new found independence is truly amazing.
* My other big phobia was social-related. I have self-esteem issues and some other problems, but my therapist was able to help me get passed some of these problems. I'm much more comfortable with people and talking and having conversations (especially with women) is much easier. It's not 100%, but I'm improved. And happier.
* I have a ways to go with everything in my life that bugs me, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's no longer a black hole, and knowing I can find long-term happiness has lifted me up. I have to work towards it, but I'm certain now that it's worth it.
Let me say again that thirteen 55 minute sessions hasn't fixed everything in my life. Far from it. What it has done, however, is given me the tools and knowledge of what I need to do to get better. I've already seen improvement and I will continue with my progress.
Things still hurt me, both internally and externally, and they always will to a certain degree. I think most people are like that. I tend to think that I'm to blame for other people's unhappiness, and wonder what I can to do be better. I'm realizing, however, that I should start looking at my positive attributes and see how they've helped myself and others. I'm not a saint, but I'm not a harbinger of war, either. I may never get the type of love or respect that I want from some people, but I'll try not to let it keep me down.
Therapy taught me that most things in life start internally, and that goes for everyone. Most problems I think are from yourself. It's better to start by looking inward to see if there's a problem. Loving yourself in a healthy way seems to fix a lot of problems. I know who I like and love and I will continue to do so, regardless of the return.
Life is a struggle, but I have the courage to face it.
Let me leave you with how I felt before therapy and how I felt after, both thanks to my favorite human being of all time, Abraham Lincoln.
Before:
I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.
After:
With Malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds.
I'm not religious, but it still works well. I've got a long way to go, but I finally accept that.
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